Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
