Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
