I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
