You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
