Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
