I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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