She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
