I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
