the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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