hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
