Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
