He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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