I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
