@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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