yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So much Jack, so little girl.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
