the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
