He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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