Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He did a backflip because drugs
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