I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
