I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
