I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
