I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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