im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
