He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
