i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
