I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
