I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize