Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
