Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
