Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
