Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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