my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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