I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i need some magic done to my vagina
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
