your parents love me but you hate me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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