On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
