So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
