My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
