Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
