if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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