My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
