Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
