there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
