I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
