mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize