she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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