You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize