So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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