I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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