I accidentally burped into my bong.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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