She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I AM VODKA MAN
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
