sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
