I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
