So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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