So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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