her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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