I'm jealous of your bromance
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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