He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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