So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Be still, my beating vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
