i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize