rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
